#and thats why i cant sleep lately
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whys my sleep schedule getting worse when i rlly need it to get better 😭
#i havent gone to my 9am or 8am in two weeks its so over#buying an actual alarm i can set up across the room#so i HAVE to get up to turn it off#i couldnt sleep at all last night i was up till like 3am#and i was tired as fuck all night i should have been able to sleep#part of me wants to take melatonin again but i also wonder if this is the fallout of using melatonin like a week ago#bc the dosages the pills come in are orders of magnitude larger than what you usually produce to sleep#and i even split the pills into quarters but maybe im still getting my brain too used to huge doses#and thats why i cant sleep lately#idk im not a neurologist
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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#:- (#i feel bad#vent#and i know i shoudl go to bed and that im gonna be so tired tomorrow#i never sleep enough snd im always tired#but i just really really hate going to sleep idk why#and im just sad now about stuff that i thought i could shake off like i used to do with everythign#its like ive somehow gotten even more sensitive#and thats crazy because ive always been an overemotional wreck#but i used to be able to bottle it up and ignore it and hide it#but i suck at it now#and i hate it#i just want to ignore it but it keeps popping back into my head and i cant#and its so late and i should go to sleep so i can get up tomorrow and not feel completely dead but#i just want to. do the things ive told myself not to and i dont want to because im trying not to do it but i really want to#i feel bad and its gonna feel better now but i know that afterwards im just gonna be upset about it but itll be good rn and i feel bad#idk#why would anyone ever be my friend#i wish i would rot to death
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Neeeeeeeeed to be a dumb mutt again i think. Need to make mistakes and not understand basic things and instead of getting yelled at i just get a condescending look and accomodations. Next time i eat so fast i feel sick or try to save the best bite of food for last i need someome to put that shit in those scary spiky dog bowls that make it harder for your dog to eat so fast they throw up. Smiel
#raunchy rabble#nsft puppy#okay smile now the rest of these tags are me whining and going wahhhh wahhhh#im a pussy yes the withdrawal isnt that bad yes i know i promise idk why im being such a bitch#anyways i take effexor and i take two capsules. one big (75) and one thats half the size#i forgot to order the big size so today i was on a third of my dose#and i was already feeling bad due to sleep issues and food problems and depression etc#so it was just wrecking my shit and im at the sorta apex rn#and the worst part is its making me really atupid in the not fun sex way i keep forgetting things or being unable to understand basic shit#and ots scary for me and last time i experiencef effexor withdrawal my dad got mad at me for how much help i needed#'its just withdrawal its not cancer' or something but i have a headache and brain zaps and hot flashes and nausea and i cant think#and its just scary and upsetting to me rn. ALSO! this week i was gonna have my belated birthday dinner and if that got ruined bc of this???#its the one personal thing i got for my birthday and its late because my DAD felt too bad due to his own withdrawals to go!#anyways i decided to take extra of my small pills to make up for it bc i was gonna lose it#which worst case scenario means later im gonna have to do double the withdrawal time while takin 2/3rd my dose#better than half at 1/3rd my dose to me
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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weeoo
#this is gonna be me talking in tags today#ive been rather sleep deprived lately trying to keep up with everything around me#and its been taking a toll on my health like#if i go too long like this i tend to feel more lethargic and my allergies kick in#i got a sore throat bc my room has been Freezing and then i get headaches way way easier#often times my face will flush but its just my nose and idk why#well anyways lmao i just aint feelin great due to lack of sleep#so i emailed my teachers and stayed home and others might say this wasnt it#but i can barely get to sleep at all these days and just bed ridding myself#seemed like the only way for my body to be like#'fine 🙄 u can sleep' lmao#thats actually one of the worst symptoms is im restless i just Cant grt to sleep no matter how hard i try#ive had a couple days where i was running on 2-3 hours bc i spent even longer Laying there#anyways i hope this makes a difference im tired of feeling tired and shitty#luckily my mood has weirdly been high#its just my sleep and health that are low#i think when the sleepiest soldiers are unable to get sleep thats when u know smths wrong#i think also so much is happening and me trying to keep up is taking more outta me than i expected#im a gal who gets overwhelmed easily even if im happy w whats happening lmao#tho im not Happy im more In a Good Mood lmao#side tangent but i HATE being an adult who doesnt have like idk Help lmao#like my dad was so nice to me sometimes and helped me sometimes#i could go a whole day sleeping bc id be fucking exhausted#and hed qake me up and ask me when i last ate and if i couldnt decide but itd been too long#hed make smth for the both pf us or hed make it For me and id just be able to like recover lmao#ah adulthood is hard lmao#alright im done#gata#no need to read <3 yall
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deranged rambling
#i typed out another post but it became a massive text wall that i probably shouldnt post#but tl;dr im severley depressed. i have been my whole life but it started getting bad again in november#and this last month has been the hardest month of my fucking life#im so sleep deprived that i cant think clearly i cant eat im in constant pain#my thoughts arent even coherent my brain feels like its being twisted around#i cant do my job anymore i stopped booking clients#so thats how my lifes been going#dont worry about me ill be fine i always pull through im just tired#im going to talk to my brother tomorrow. my relationship with him is strained but hes all i have and i know he can help me.#i dont know why im posting this. ive been drinking.#also sorry for how cold ive been lately#and how ive been ignoring all my messages/asks/replies/tags for the last few months#i do like hearing from people i just. literally cannot respond
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When youve been up for god knows how long and you hear your neighbors rooster starts screaming:
#jeep.jeep#why cant i sleep like a NORMAL FUCKING PERSON#mind you i in absolutely no way have insomnia#i just have a shit dleep schedule thats getting worse lmao#i legit just realized how fuckin late it is#night yall 💀
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that one bookmark is gone and on one hand im glad i dont have to see it anymore but on the other hand im a little embarrassed at the thought of them having seen me have a whole mini spiral about it at like 5 am. like sorry random person ig
#speculation nation#i shouldnt be allowed to make posts in the middle of sleeping times#i wake up all the time while trying to sleep & then i check social media & also my ao3 stats page#usually this is fine but that bookmark note hit Just the right insecurity in me for me to make some pathetic posts about it on my tumblr#like yes i Am insecure about ppl not liking what im doing in the story lately & thinking im taking too long :') thank U for confirming#the reader support afterwards definitely helped me but Man i dont wanna b known as that author that cant take even a hint of criticism#i mean i kind of am but i dont wanna be KNOWN for it ykno#im cool as a cucumber. u can tell. Absolutely the coolest. thats why i go crying to my tumblr dot com when someone says smth that isnt#complete praise for my work.#like on one hand i dont gotta share this online. it's a privilege that u guys get to read it. so i dont wanna hear ppl disliking it#on the other hand i wish i wasnt that pathetically insecure lmfao#in my defense not having an active beta reader has been fucking with my self confidence re: writing#i was a nervous WRECK when posting the last chapter. and the other chapters too but last chapter especially.#life. is so difficult. alas.#sorry to my readers for my lack of object permanence re: ppl liking my shit.#ive had ppl repeatedly saying they love it and it's still not enough#in largest part bc im insecure about that Changing. so with every chapter im like peeking over like 'do you still like my writing...?'#'do u still like my writing pls respond'#honestly bless u readers who have kept up with discacc & continuously comment & offer me reassuring words here when im down#ur enthusiasm & kind words help me a lot. thank U
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remember being a teen and watching shit like soul eater and kimono jihen and thinking god damn i wish I had a perpetually exhausted but badass mentor to help me get through things?
well now im 27 and im the perpetually exhausted mentor with bedhead and a slight alcohol problem to my 15 year old cousin and im gonna tear my hair out about not being able to just let her stay for a bit because i know it doesnt matter fuck all what i say to her dad, shes still gonna be treated like shit just because shes a moody teen with undiagnosed add and an autustic brother who constantly talks over everyone. i suddenly need a cigarette.
#like he was going on about shes doing bad in school because she sleeps late and all she needs to do#is got to bed early!!! reset her internal clock!!#BRO IM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE AT 27 STILL ONLY FALLING ASLEEP AT 5AM AND WAKING AT NOON BEVAUSE THATS NOT A THING YOU CAN CONTROL#ESPECIALLY WITH ADD/ADHD.#IM LITERALLY DIAGNOSED I CAN TELL YOU YOURE WRONG AND I CAN EVEN SOURCE THE ARTICLES THAT EXPLAIN WHY#FUCKING ARE YOU KIDDING ME#im still mad cause i sat with with poor kid while she tried to keep from bawling her eyes out because she made a snarky comment#about her brother talking about his coin collecting (and to be clean its not jus tthat he cant understand social cues he just literally#never stops making noise. we all know he cant control it but we also all know its because his parents denied he was autistic until he was 21#despite the fact he stopped maturing at 11. we love him.to death but oh my god i cant handle it for two visits a year#Of course his sibling feel like they live in an insane asylum)#like yeah it was a rude comment but fuck can you blame her?????? when shes silenced because he talks over everyone then gets awkward#because she has no idea what to say when she DOES get the chance to speak of course shes going to resent him#ALSO NOT TO MENTIONT HE FACT SHES CHINESE AND WERE ARE ALL VERY VERY WHITE#SHES GOT OTHER SHIT SHE SHOULD BE IN THERAPY FOR#DO NOT MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED FOR HER BY BRINGING ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AND HER SCHOOLING INTO THIS#My god i hate academics like the world does not end because you failed a math class. i dropped out at 16 and all the useful skills i have#i gained after the world opened up when i left and i wasnt being told no thats not on a standardized test you cant do that#im much fucking happier and frankly intelligent than the rest of my family thats wasted time on universities#and like being happy is what matter#why would you wsnt her to be “sucessful” if she isnt also happy#like if school fucking sucks for her then why send her to a rich white private school and fucking SUMMER SCHOOL#imo thats just abuse#like the graded education system is inherently abusive anyway but its worse when its pushed on her like that#i need to move so we have room out east for her to come stay and maybe do some classes free of them#but i dont work and cant drive so i cant help her#hell i can barely take care of myself#but im just so fucking mad on her behalf and she doesnt deserve to feel this way#its happened twice in the three days shes been here#just they all need therapy but they need to fucking listen to her ans i know she wont even feel okay speaking up
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im on vyvanse right now but ive been on adderall before. i dont really know when or why i switched from adderall to vyvanse honestly cause i really only just started paying attention to my medical stuff this year (ive been on adhd meds since kindergarten). i dont really care that im on vyvanse instead of adderall tho its just that adderall is the more well known adhd med so when i say im on vyvanse the only people who are like “oh! adhd!” are other adhders who are or have been on vyvanse too (where as if i were on adderall itd instantly click. and id be able to quote that one vine). anyways all that is to say that cause im on the less popular one its led to me looking into the differences between adderall and vyvanse (partly so if people ever ask what the difference is i’ll have an answer) and the conclusion ive come to from my occasional research is that vyvanse is just better. Like vyvanse last longer, vyvanse may be slightly stronger/more effective, theres been less reports of sexual side effects for vyvanse than for adderall, vyvanse is harder to get addicted to because your body takes longer to process the non-stimulant part of it (probably also why it lasts longer). all of these differences are only slight and ultimately theyre so similar its hard to really compare them but like if you had to pick which one was The Best i think vyvanse would win, only by a little bit, but it would still win!
#txt#I think the main thing adderall has on vyvanse is that it comes in short lasting variants#since ive always used adhd meds for day long things (mainly school) its always been the longer lasting the better for me#so thats why thats counted for making it better#i am also VERY adhd so even if i dont have anything going on i tend to prefer to have a stimulant#otherwise the day drifts out of my gasp#downside to it being long lasting is that it limits the window of when i can take it#since if i take it to late in the day it can make sleeping even harder than it already is for me#but whatever cant win em all. Vyvanse still 🔛🔝‼️💥🔥💯
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#my brother needed his sofa bed from our house in his new apartment#it doesnt fit in any of our cars so we had to rent a uhaul#my dad is returning the uhaul in the city my brother lives in which means my car also has to drive there to get him home#my mom still cant drive#so i have to#i was informed of this yesterday#its a 2 hour drive#apparently there was some traffic on the normal way to go there#so the gps took me around some other way on a road i dont like#i didn't realize until it was too late#now im halfway there#it would take another hour to turn around and go the way i want to go#i pulled over in a mcdonalds to have a panic attack 🤪#i need more time to prepare if im gonna be driving for 2 hours#i had it in my mind i was going the way i know and now im not#and im stuck in the middle of nowhere#and my only choices are to drive an hour through the road that's making me anxious#or turn around and drive back through the road thats making me anxious and also 2 more hours#im literally in the middle of nowhere with no other roads aroind anywhere and nowhere else to go and no way to turn around#its not even that big of a deal but im freaking out man idk what to do i want to go to sleep#like this is too much. why its not even hardly anything but its TOO MUCH
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ohh the anxiety that kicked in when I realized most comic artists have a full team and do monthly or even weekly chapter releases (again, due to having a full team inking, toning, letting, etc their sketches) and it STILL takes them years to finish a series (even ones that are relatively short! if you're doing a chapter a month and ur series is only 100 chs long thats STILL going to take EIGHT YEARS???!)
I have to remind myself they're professionals with teams who are getting paid to do that for a living, and I am one hobbyist, also working so some weeks I feel good abt even getting the One Page a Week goal I set for myself as a new years resolution out because things irl burn me out so bad. like, in the worst parts of my depression there were times where I went without drawing for MONTHS at a time and i do NOT want to go back to that. ever.
the ultimate goal for tm2 is for it to be around ~50-60 chapters (I consider each chapter to be like an 'episode' and always wanted it to feel around the length of the og anime series, so) and I keep thinking 'ooh if I could do a chapter a month and thats the goal Id have it done within 4-5 years!! which is awesome in theory but also burnout + anxiety abt this kind of thing is the reason I stopped the first two times. I burnt myself out SO bad trying to do 5+ pages every update back then. and I'm holding myself to keep going (if only because uh...I've already paid for the website URL for 5+ years LOL (IT WAS ON SALE IF U GOT MORE YEARS IN MY DEFENSE) ) so i NEED to avoid burnout @_@ but Thee Anxiety has a grip on me lately like i am a stress ball. its Bad
(this directly ties into my irrational anxiety abt 'what if I die Tomorrow and all of my stuff remains Unfinished and no one ever gets to Know the Stories in my brain or what if they paid me for a commission and I die suddenly and they think i never replied/stole my money and is a deadbeat, omg I need to do things as fast as possible' which i REALLY should look into going back to therapy for because I feel like this time of year is when my anxiety skyrockets for Some Reason and its ALWAYS BAD. Fs in chat. at least this has actually made me learn to be incredibly fast at drawing/rendering?? JSDHKF ONE UPSIDE TO ANXIETY!!! local guy HATES to spend time on anything for fear of spontaneous combustion!!!)
yet I dont want to spend money on therapy when im still saving for a car bc I need to Prioritize. which is also taking forever and also making me anxious. AAAH!!! can cars be $1 and art be Faster yet still quality? would b very cool
#anxiety tw#<- uh JUST IN CASE#i do not think i would consider this a VENT post necessarily but the end bit is potentially triggering. for other ppl with anxiety i think#its been at an All Time High lately thats why i am up at 3 AM rn. cant SLEEP (I will be waking up at 6 am bc grandma needs groceries too :(#i feel like im being hunted for SPORT im litrally just chilling in bed lol. why#the crazy thing is ive been FINE otherwise lately too ive been having a GREAT week !!#plenty of chill time and time outdoors!! SO WHY....BRAIN#sanchoyorambles
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just saw jaiden's video on having adhd/audhd and uhhhh. i rlly should seek to get diagnosed huh. meds sound like they could rlly help me.....
#i remember one time while i was visiting my friend#we were having a sleepover & were talking and suddenly my mind just. went silent.#i remember telling her 'my mind just suddenly stopped this is so weird whats going on'#and she asked me what i meant & i told her abt how i like#constantly have at least 3 stream of thoughts going on at once that i'm half-listening to#and there's a main one i'm focusing on but my attention is always like on 70% on it#so i can very easily get carried onto my “sub-thoughts”'s streams#and she wondered if i was just so used to my anxiety (my only diagnosis so far that i had even back then)#that when i suddenly experienced being without it for a short while i found it strange#and i was like “maybe... makes sense” but i wasnt too convinced idk why#then years later i found out more in-depth abt adhd & the “inattentive type” it began to make sense#but its still kinda scary to think i may have it#and kinda scary to think i may not have it#jaiden articulated it well#that feeling that you'll be told “no you're normal just lazy so get your act together”#but also if you actually get a diagnosis it may change a lot of things#esp for us that arent self-employed or unable to pursue self-employment full-time bc its unprofitable rn#and we have no fallback that doesn't rely on other ppl's continued generosity#and to this day i wonder what caused my mind to “fall silent” that day btw#my memory sucks so i cant remember if this was like#the first day i drank alcohol#or the first day i tried an energy drink#or if i didnt actually try neither of those that day & smth else impacted it#my bet is on alcohol bc that day i got tipsy & got rlly sleepy & i remember feeling very sleepy when i had that talk#but also idk if that would even actually a consistent effect bc i dont actually dig alcohol that much so i dont seek it out LOL#only take sips from others' drinks when offered & thats not enough to get me tipsy#also if it was it kicked in pretty late & only for a short while bc i remember a few minutes later going “ok my minds normal now whew”#before we even actually went to sleep#so idk lol
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agh.mmn I can't wait to be away from real life I am. Very bluh.
#don't let them see this!#i am really enjoying this hangout and i like spending time with him but#i was hoping id be able to. do things#this weekend#because ive been surrounded by so many but oddly lonely? i dont understand#and it is hard to act like this and i keep being very violent and i dont want to be#i am very tired of this stuff#all i want to do is fall over and be a Little Fellow#and charles finally wanted to make plans this weekend after silence so long but no i judt had to be busy nearly every goddamn day this week#and i cant even work on the minecraft world and someome else is sleeping in my room!!#i had to rearrange my nest!! i hate this!!#and now the house has a bunch of people staying in it#i really wish i could be held agh. i have been nonstop tired every day this week and i was hoping i could cool down thisnweekend but plans#immediately#and stress and i am Dying Dead#and then i have exams in literal days that i planned on studying for this weekend!! genuinely!! i made plans!! fuck!!#i want to cry!! and puke from sorrow!! my legs hurt and i feel so emotionally tired and worried#i have been so physically affectionate today its gross!! i hate that!!#i want to be alone in my nest agh#i really want to yell and be sngry at someone because then i can be alone or atleast get anger out#ive been saying things i Never Would rghhh#sleeping has been awful lately and ive been nonstop having dreams and i hate dreaming#i would take sleep paralysis over dreaming any day#i hate being percieved as the meaty me!! because thats not me and whoever speaks will never be me and i finally got to speak a little and it#felt so right!! and i loved it!! but it was so little and i Cant be me and i hate being this! and i hate this awful body holding me back!!#why is it so hard to live??#i enjoy sleep paralysis So Much.
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